The loss of a pet is sometimes not given the consideration it deserves. Our pets are a part of our families. Sometimes, they are the only children a family may have. The animals in our lives may have been more than just our pets. Perhaps they were our partners as working animals. Perhaps our animals had a job providing comfort to others as a therapy animal or perhaps they helped keep us alive and well as a service animal. No matter what our animals did, pet or working, they were important and loved. The grief over their loss can be felt more intensely than people may realize because these were members of our household who we had daily routines with and they showed us unconditional acceptance. How can we cope with their loss?
Cheryl Fisher writes in a Counseling Today article that we must realize first that grief is not linear and everyone experiences it differently. It comes in waves that may be intense. Because of how intense it can be, it affects our neurology. We may experience difficulty concentrating, feel as though we’re in a dream, or feel like we’re in a fog. These feelings will eventually subside, but we must remember to be gentle with ourselves and allow time to recover.
One person’s grief may look different than another person’s and it may change day by day, even moment by moment. We can find ourselves angry, guilty, sad, in denial, and having acceptance or even peace. It is important that we do not downplay our feelings here. Our pets or partners gave us unconditional love and affection. They were there for us and now we must cope with their absence.
When I lost my cat of 14 years, Oliver, there were definitely some moments of denial. It was almost as though I had forgotten he was gone, and I would look for him. I would get ready for bed and grab his bottle of thyroid pills. Random moments, I would burst into tears. I felt such immense guilt that I’d stopped letting him sleep in my bed. I felt guilty that I did not do enough for him even though the vet had said a blood transfusion couldn’t save him. He’d had kidney failure and managed well for a long time until his sudden steep decline. He was so important to me and although his death was three years ago now, I still cry to think about him. As a counselor (in training) and a pet parent who has gone through loss, I don’t think that grief ever goes away. We learn and grow around it as we accept it over time.
I want you to know that these feelings apply to people who must choose behavioral euthanasia as well. I know those of you who have gone through making that decision haven’t done so lightly and your grief is complex, as anyone’s can be. There are thousands of people who have loved and lost through this unfortunate circumstance, and I see you. It’s okay to be devastated and it’s okay to feel a sense of relief as well. Whatever you’re feeling is okay.
So how do we deal with this grief? We might take some time off of work to give ourselves permission to fully feel how we feel. If we cannot, schedule times to be present with your grief. Know that there is no right or wrong way to process a loss.
Rituals may help you to cope. We have funerals for humans and some people hold small ones for their pets. It helps if you have an idea ahead of time, but in the event of a sudden loss, know you can take a little time to decide. I personally chose private cremation while my husband chose to bury his cat of 26 years when she passed away. I have a little space in my office with a painting of my cat and he has a memorial garden. Perhaps you might choose to have a memorial for your pet. Any kind of significant date can be a hard time for you as you process the loss. A ritual can help you through that too. Perhaps on your dog’s birthday each year you go to the shelter with pupcakes for the dogs or tuna cakes for the cats. Maybe your special pet was a reptile and you donate to a zoo’s program each year on the day of their passing. Whatever you choose, try to use it as a time to remember your pet fondly.
Another thing you might do is create a memory box or maybe use one of those digital frames filled with all of your favorite memories. You might write letters, songs, poems, or paint for your pet. Perhaps you save them, or some burn them in a gesture of letting go. Whatever feels right to you. For me, volunteering helps. Your relationship doesn’t really end when your beloved animal passes on, but it changes greatly. Judy Green, a counselor in North Carolina shares that many people actively grieve loss for about six to eight months but it cannot fully process until there is a full year without the loved one. Getting through those anniversaries like birthdays and holidays are a part of the process. Complex grief takes longer and there is really no true timeframe for any grief to end.
Complex grief is grief that is so debilitating you’re unable to return to daily life as it was for an extended period of time. The experience is much the same, but more intense and lasts longer. Grief can be complex when we lose a child, we think we could have avoided the loss, it was sudden and unexpected, the loss was violent, or even if it followed a long illness. Any grief can become complex. When you feel your grief intensely and for a long time, consider seeking help. People might not think about it, but intense grief can leave your immune system in distress and lead to a number of physical and mental health problems.
According to the article linked above, group therapy can be very beneficial to process your loss. There may be online groups or perhaps you could join a group locally. Lately, I’ve seen some at churches. I know they’re designed for the loss of humans, but I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t be allowed as you’re still grieving. Just check with them first.
Another suggestion is journaling if you’re more private. You could make some lists as prompts. Perhaps you list five things you miss the most about your pet. Allow yourself time for a good cry here and know it’s okay. Whatever you choose, know that you don’t have to be alone in this. Reach out to family or friends or just some strangers on the internet who have been where you are now. Remember too that there is no right or wrong and no time limits.
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